寫(xiě)在看完Bang Gang之后雜文隨筆
The singer asked:“How are you feeling tonight”? I shouted:"Dead." Then I asked myself: how can that be the first word that pops into my mind? How can I feel so dead when everything I do is to stay alive?
Then the girl standing next to me shouted:"Lonely." But she said it as if it were a dark joke. Everyone puts a little bit of their heart in the jokes they make. I wonder where her heart is. The singer was not taken aback by this answer. He did a vague smile and then said:"Maybe there’s someone else in the crowd who is also feeling lonely, so you can reach out and talk to each other." Then he paused a bit and adjusted his guitar, added:"We all feel lonely sometimes. Maybe more than once or twice, maybe millions of times." I love the word million, not because its quantity, but it’s intensity. I watched this interview of some female writer some days before. I can’t remember whether she’s Angela Carter or Zadie Smith. The writer said something like:"It all depends on what you want to achieve with your time." My answer is intensity. I choose intensity. I want intensity from this life.
I take a close look at the singer. He has thin hairs. I wonder what kind of hair shampoo he uses. He doesn’t look different after 10 years. It has been 10 years since I first heard Forever Now. 10 years is a long time. When you are young moments are years. Then years become moments after you reach some point in your life. I don’t know whether it’s a good thing or bad thing. Maybe there are just not that many things to remember in this life. You are meant to let go.
When they started to sing Forever Now, I wanted to cry, but I held it back because I am not a sponge. I am a filter. You were right about that. I am not a human being. I hurt to feel alive. I destroy myself to become more. I don’t have any faith left inside. I gave up on that kind of love million years ago. Then the lights changed from dark blue to a warm beige. That’s when I noticed the music had gone. Back to reality and feeling like a ghost from my own past.
十年前科比還在打球，那時(shí)候的夏天沒(méi)有現在熱，某一天凌晨一點(diǎn)半我的隨機播放里出現了Bang Gang，下載了一堆放在電腦里，睡不著(zhù)的時(shí)候拿出來(lái)聽(tīng)�，F在睡不著(zhù)的時(shí)候我不再聽(tīng)歌，因為知道時(shí)間經(jīng)不起放任。
演出開(kāi)始之后的前二十分鐘前面的人幾乎沒(méi)有律動(dòng)，光顧著(zhù)拿各種器材記錄現場(chǎng)。在這種時(shí)候我會(huì )覺(jué)得上海真是死氣沉沉，一點(diǎn)可塑性都沒(méi)有，跟著(zhù)音樂(lè )律動(dòng)這么本能的事情都不會(huì )，活著(zhù)還有什么意思。但我多么幼稚多么狹隘，人選擇自己要的東西，天經(jīng)地義，甘之如飴。
其實(shí)已經(jīng)很多年不聽(tīng)他們了，頂多是在整理電腦文件的時(shí)候偶遇之后聽(tīng)一下。但人應該記得自己小時(shí)候喜歡的東西，因為記得是忘掉的第一步，然后才是檢驗，檢驗之后就能得出暫時(shí)的結論，在下一次更新?lián)Q代之前保持平靜，過(guò)得開(kāi)心。最近單曲循環(huán)最多的歌是Here She Comes Again，聽(tīng)一首歌聽(tīng)到吐是我從小養成的好習慣。
演出結束之后我戴上耳機，幽靈似的`逃出人群，去地鐵站的路上抬頭看了一眼比我走得還快的云。突然想到早上出門(mén)的時(shí)候有很舒服的風(fēng)，家門(mén)口的梧桐有好看的顏色，希望明天還會(huì )有。
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