我思因我在 美文閱讀

　　我思因我在

　�。粒睿睿�

　　It is impossible to know all the thoughts and experiences that merge together to make a person. Countless images flash through my mind when I think how I have come to find myself. These images are like the 1)shards of a broken mirror, each piece reflecting a part, each piece connecting with the others to make a whole. As I gaze into the angular pieces of glass searching for their meanings, several similar scenes, each played out by different people, catch my eye. Placing them side-by-side, I find that these images are the same, and they reveal an essential part of my being.

　　The scenes begin with someone asking a young girl whether she is Chinese, Japanese or Korean.

　　“My parents are from Hong Kong, but I was born here in the United States,” is her reply.

　　It seems automatic for people to follow with, “Do you speak Chinese?”

　　“I speak very little Cantonese,” she replies. At this point, one of two things happens: the person with whom she is speaking becomes either 2)indignant or fascinated.

　　If the person she is speaking to is Chinese, he or she would often react with disappointment and hurt pride. She would be presumed to have joined the ranks of young Asians who “seek to 3)annihilate Chinese culture and its values.” This person would turn away from her and start speaking to her parents. They would say that she is not worthy of possessing her shiny black hair and dark 4)almond eyes. Hurtful whispers would crystallize into a rod of pain that to be thrust into her chest and the tears that appear would be difficult to hide. She knows at her core that she is not worthless, disrespectful or selfish, even if she is not the 5)idyllic Asian daughter, but the 6)agony would renew itself every time she hears the whispers.

　　In a conversation with someone not Asian, he may ask if she could teach him to say something in Cantonese. She’d 7)oblige, but could not help ??thinking that he is probably assuming things about her, “She’s smart; she must play the violin or piano; she’s good at math; she’s always respectful of her parents; she’s submissive; she doesn’t get into trouble; she’s only interested in school...”

　　It is human nature to create pictures of someone’s life from initial appearances, but it should be just that: a first impression. There are people who think they know her future before having talked to her, and presume that she wants to become a doctor or a lawyer. The notion that she aspires to be an independent filmmaker is alien to their minds. She is trapped in a cage of others’ expectations. They lose interest in her because they think they already know the details of her life.

　　Although I nearly drowned in the reflections of pain and frustration, they ultimately saved me. My soul, longing to stay alive, 8)incited my mind to develop a strong sense of self. If I were not secure in my identity, it would be lost to what others imagined it to be. I was resolute. I was not going to let anyone who thought I should be more conventional make me feel guilty for my lack of conformity. Some will always see me as a “9)twinkie,” yellow on the outside and white on the inside, or the “Asian girl,” submissive and 10)detached.

　　Those who take the time to get to know me would see a person who loves literature, music, film, theater and art; an open-minded environmentalist; human rights advocate; embracer of Chinese traditions; and hater of intolerance and 11)self-righteousness. The glass shards that initially wounded me have become part of the fusion creating my complete reflection.

　　我們無(wú)法了解組成一個(gè)人的全部思想和經(jīng)歷。當我思考我是如何找到自己時(shí)，數不清的形象閃過(guò)我的腦海。這些形象猶如一面破鏡的碎片，每一塊都反射出一個(gè)局部，每一塊都與其他碎片共同組成一個(gè)整體。當我凝視棱角分明的玻璃碎片，尋求它們的意義時(shí)，一些相似的場(chǎng)景——每一個(gè)都由不同的人來(lái)上演——吸引了我的眼球。并置這些形象時(shí)，我發(fā)現它們都是一樣的，都顯示了我生命的.一個(gè)基本部分。

　　這些場(chǎng)景始于某人問(wèn)一個(gè)小女孩她是中國人、日本人還是韓國人。

　　“我爸媽來(lái)自香港，但我在美國這里出生�！边@就是她的回答。

　　人們總會(huì )很自然地接著(zhù)問(wèn)道：“你會(huì )說(shuō)中國話(huà)嗎？”

　　“我只會(huì )說(shuō)幾句粵語(yǔ)，”她回答道。這時(shí)會(huì )發(fā)生以下兩種情況之一：跟她說(shuō)話(huà)的那個(gè)人或是變得忿忿不平，或是興趣盎然。

　　如果和她說(shuō)話(huà)的那個(gè)人是中國人，他/她經(jīng)常會(huì )表現出失望和自尊心受損的樣子。她會(huì )被對方自動(dòng)歸入那些“企圖泯除中國文化和價(jià)值觀(guān)”的年輕一代亞洲人的行列。這個(gè)人將離開(kāi)她，開(kāi)始和她父母講話(huà)。他們會(huì )說(shuō)她不配擁有亮澤的黑發(fā)和深色的杏眼。傷人的竊竊私語(yǔ)將具體轉化為直插她胸口的一棒子痛，涌出的淚難以掩藏。她知道自己實(shí)質(zhì)上并不是一文不值的，她既沒(méi)有忘祖，也不自私，即使她不是那些過(guò)著(zhù)恬靜閑適生活的亞洲人的女兒，但每一次她聽(tīng)到那些私語(yǔ)，痛苦就會(huì )重現。

　　如果交談的對象不是亞洲人，他可能會(huì )請她用粵語(yǔ)教他說(shuō)一些東西。她會(huì )幫忙，但忍不住會(huì )想，他很可能已經(jīng)形成對她的成見(jiàn)了：“她很聰明；她一定會(huì )拉小提琴或者彈鋼琴；她數學(xué)很好；她總是孝敬父母；她很順從；她不曾招惹麻煩；她只對念書(shū)感興趣……”

　　通過(guò)最初的表象來(lái)設想某人生活的圖景，這是人的本性，但那應該僅僅局限于：第一印象。有人還沒(méi)有和她談過(guò)，就認為自己知道她的未來(lái)，并認定她想要成為醫生或者律師。他們絕對預料不到，她立志要成為一名獨立的電影制作人。她被困于他人預想的囚籠里。他們對她不再感興趣，因為他們認為他們已經(jīng)對她的生活了如指掌了。

　　雖然我幾乎溺死在痛苦和沮喪的沉思中，這些苦想最終營(yíng)救了我。我那渴望生命力的靈魂，刺激我的頭腦去發(fā)展一種強烈的自我意識。如果我的身份認同不堅定，它就會(huì )被他人的想象所戰勝。我很堅定。我不準備讓任何認為我應該更保守一點(diǎn)的人，使我為自己的不隨大流而感到內疚。一些人總是把我看成一個(gè)“香蕉妹”，外表是黃種人，內心卻是白種人，或者認為我是“亞洲女孩”，會(huì )順從，不合群。

　　那些花時(shí)間了解我的人將發(fā)現我是一個(gè)熱愛(ài)文學(xué)、音樂(lè )、電影、戲劇和藝術(shù)的人；一個(gè)觀(guān)念開(kāi)放的環(huán)保主義者；人權的倡導者；中國文化的擁護者；還是一個(gè)憎恨心胸偏狹與偽善的人。起初傷害我的那些玻璃碎片，已經(jīng)交融為我整體形象的一部分。

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